Guy problems..

I dunno what to do... I liked Howie for years, and he's never seem to view me as either a good friend or his kid sister. The way I feel about him has been more profound than the other crushes. I didn't even clue in as to how much a relationship with him I wanted until a couple months ago. Every part of me is screaming that he is my soul mate and that I totally screwed things up for any future with him. And knowing how he feels about some of the stuff I've done this year and the anger/resentment/etc he holds against me just cuts me up to the point where I dunno how to go on.

The situation got out of control after I became sick in January. I worried Dan so much, that he hopped into his car and drove the 10hr trip in only 8hrs. He then spent the first 5hrs lost, and trying to find the hostel to stay the night. I actually didn't believe that he would drive all the way up just to see me. I actually became very cynical towards just about everyone, that they were either out to get me, screw me over, or just didn't care whether I lived or not.

Now, having another guy in the picture wasn't the problem. It was mostly because of our history in cyberspace. Everyone has not forgiven and forgotten about his past actions on a particular IRC chatroom. They were very quick to remind me that I actually had him booted from the chat on a temp ban for sexual harassment.

I believe that all people change. For better or for worse, we adapt to our ever-changing situations and surroundings. I know I'm not the same person as I was a year ago, or five years, and so on. I never would have thought that I could be able to give class presentations at a drop of a hat back as late as high school days. But I've been doing them in college. I've had a "very spiritual" period of creative writing, which was back in 2003. I'm pretty emo now.

So, if I change pretty drastically, couldn't anyone else turn over a new leaf as easily?

Amanda got to meet Dan when we three and David went to Viriginia Beach for a church related conference/retreat. She even says that our relationship has been for my benefit. I hope that I have been just as positive an influence on Dan as he has been for me.

And so, back to the tangled mess I have found myself in. As Howie had put it, him and the other four close friends of mine had felt pretty shafted by my then-recent actions. And while Dan was up here for that first visit, somehow he and I became an item. I'm still not entirely sure how thtat happened, but it did. *shrug* That threw the whole lot o' them into a loop.

Honestly, I never would have figured that Dan and I would be "Dan and I". He didn't seem entirely quite my type, but we did have things in common. Heh, I remember that for years and years I seemed to be attracted to white guys, but that changed. I remember being in denial about my feelings for Howie, because he was Chinese, and I lumped almost all the Chinese guys I knew into the "don't speak English as my primary language" group. So that meant they were mostly ESL students or just felt comfortable speaking in the "native tongue".

Back to Dan. He thinks the world of me, bends over backwards to make all my dreams come true, will try anything that I say is good for him and me and us and cuz I gave it a 5-star rating, and so much more. I'm touched that he would go to great lengths to make me smile or laugh. When I cry, his heart breaks into pieces. I've never known anyone else who cares about me and is willing and able to show it.

I mentioned that he drove up to see me. People in this very city didn't even take the time to visit me when I was hospitalized. Nor did they make a house call when I was released. Things got worse with those friends of mine, because they reacted so harshly with me. I didn't feel supported at all, only slandered and bullied at every turn. *sigh* February was a very cold and bleak month for me. Only because Dan was rooting for me that I managed to pull through.

But seriously, some of the things said, by fellow Christians nonetheless, made me think long and hard about pushing on in the church that I am in. I commented that I then understood why so many left to pursue relationships outside of religion-- if they hadn't been left high and dry in the church, it's because of the attitudes others throw at them that make them give up on the church and go where the relationship they are in is accepted.

I remember quite vividly this one particular week in early April. Maybe no later than mid-April. There were so many occurances of what I take to be signs. Signs that the relationship that I am in now is not meant for "forever". That, and that I made a mistake by being his girlfriend, that it should have been Howie. That Howie is my soul mate. TV shows, the anime shows I had bought but hadn't watched yet, certain posts on certain forums, the poetry of my fellow writers on DeviantArt that I have on my watch-list, and so on. After so many instances, I started getting goosebumps because it was so clear to me. The crowning moment was when I had my little discussion with Stef. He told me that he became Howie's buddy and that they talk about a lot of things-- espeically about me. While I was still trying to digest that and the implications it created, Stef also mentioned that he knows why Howie was taking my new relationship so hard, why he was acting so oddly distant towards me. He basically said that Howie felt that there was this close bond between us, and that certain feelings ran deep within him-- feelings that he may still be in denial over. But these feelings were about "us". If he really did, I wish that he had said or done something a lot sooner so we could have taken a different route than the one chosen. And there were certain actions that are more recent that really mixes things up. One in particular has shown the selfish side of him to the nth degree. I still am not over it, considering that I'm witnessing the harsh reality of "Christian selfishness" for the second time. And I don't mean one incident, but rather, another whole season (meaning: time in my life) of this attitude. The first time was during my accident recovery process. This time, it's because of my post-surgery recovery. It's why it was so easy for Dan to step in-- he's been through the same sort of damage to his leg (the same one I got banged up), and the same indifferential treatment by family and friends.

With that aside, reality is, I never did put too much stock into this relationship. It's a good thing to have right now, but I don't see a "forever". Maybe it's because this is the first serious relationship that I have with anybody-- ever. It is also a long-distance relationship (LDR for short), and I never did prefer those (another reason why I was surprised that it happened). There was also our past animosity, which had made me weary of communicating with him at all after the ban was lifted, and then we started again but on the right foot. I never have completely forgotten, so there is also that feeling in the back of my mind that something would happen. Considering how he makes jokes about some things (Grace Park, Bunneh, and stuff), I can't ever be too sure about the seriousness of the relationship.

Another thing that really bugs me, but I feel powerless to stop it, is the physicality of us being in the same place together. I don't even know how it started either, but it just perpetuates itself without my consent. I end up having to ride out the waves, then get smacked around with regret afterwards. I feel sick thinking about it too, because it goes totally against my moral code and my faith. I don't think I'm strong enough to stand my ground when Dan wants it of me.

We managed to discuss it online once, and after I brought it up, he said that I liked it. Well, duh, it feels good, doesn't mean that it IS good. Not for the stage in life that we are in. Factor in the faith, and what Scripture says about how God feels about all of this.... Yeah, I'm screwed.

I brought it up again before Virginia Beach, and the discussion became too distressing to continue, and he ended it with "'we'll continue this in person". That never happened. What did happen involved us leaving the campgrounds early to go to his family's home. That, and what he calls "fooling around". I think I got the last word in by peeing on his bed.

I know that this would not have been an issue at all with Howie. Same church, same Bible, same standards. Not saying that Dan is pagan or atheist or agnostic. But not saying that he's a Bible-thumping Christian either. Considering the stuff he says/does/reacts to, yeah, far from it. But he does go to church with his grandmother occasionally (which is Catholic, by the way), and has been open to attending services with me when he was in town. And I did convince him to attend the camping retreat/conference at Virginia Beach. He's not an outdoorsey person too! Says a lot to me when he said that he would go with me.

Summing it up, Dan loves me and is totally crazy over me, but I'm in love with Howie. I've caused some major hurts, and neither Howie nor I know if we can salvage anything. I haven't brken it off with Dan yet because I don't know how I should do it. I'm basically the glue that is holding him together right now. He's even willing to move up here to be closer to me, schooling up here being a bonus incentive to get away from his crappy family.

I feel better now that I've finally gotten it out. I just don't know what my next step should be.